CAN YOU TOP THIS?

19 JUNE 1946

Internal evidence for broadcast date: The first Louis-Conn fight was 1941, before Ward Wilson began emceeing in 1945. The rematch was on 19 June 1946.

Syndication edit

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(bragging, visitor, actors, flirt)

CHARLIE STARK: “Can You Top This?” I know a girl who not only kept her girlish figure, she doubled it!

WARD WILSON: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

WW: Can you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: I really don’t know.

WW: How about you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR: Well, maybe.

CS: And now, Pete may never re-Pete, but Ward is sure to re-Ward. And he’ll tell you how. Ward Wilson!

WW: Well, thank you, Charlie Stark. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is “keep them laughing.” Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by the well-known actor and storyteller Peter Donald, you get ten dollars.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. Then our panelists try to top the score on the laugh meter registered by Peter Donald.

WW: Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more.

RB: “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: …quite warm up. Are you all set, fellows, to be very witty tonight?

JL: Ready.

SF: Yeah, ring the bell.

WW: Alright. Here goes the bell for the opening round, and this is on the… Sent in, incidentally, by John Jaeger of Astoria, Long Island, New York, and it’s on the subject of something you never indulge in, none of you three, I’m sure: bragging. Bragging tonight.

JL: You haven’t heard us talk at all, have you?

WW: I wasn’t listening. Well, Pete, I hope we have something to brag about after you finish with this one.

PETER DONALD: Well, it seems that the two ladies from Brooklyn, Sadie DeKalb and Gertrude Gowanas, they were discussing their favorite subject: men. And they were bragging about their boyfriends and Sadie says, “You know something, Gertrude? I’m engaged to the most wonderful fellow. Yeah I really… Oh, he’s so handsome. He’s a regular Greek adenoid, you know. Oh, and he’s so smart, too. He’s so clever and everything, you know. He’s a songwriter. He’s a songwriter, and he just wrote the these song for the Louis-Conn fight tonight, and it’s entitled, ‘Paying for the Ringside, Sitting on the Outside.’” So her friend says, “Well, gee. I don’t think that’s so much. After all, I’m engaged to a very, very important man. Gee whiz, he’s a big lumber king, and when we get married we’re going to be very rich, and we’re going to have a big house with a hacienda and a patio and a lasagna and all those things. Oh, he’s so wealthy. He’s a big lumber king. He told me business is wonderful, and he’s a big lumber king. One of the very biggest.” So the conversation ended and two days later they met again, and Sadie says, “Gertrude, you’re just the one I wanted to converse with. Oh, after all your bragging about your boyfriend, I seen him yesterday. Whoo! Some phony. Oh, what a phony. I bet even the wool he pulled over your eyes was 50% cotton, honest. Oh, some phony.” Gertrude says, “What do you mean? You mean he ain’t a big lumber king?” She says, “Yeah, he’s a big lumber king, alright. He sells toothpicks to delicatessens.”

RB: Up, up and away. 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Which automatically gives Mr. Jaeger twenty-five dollars, puts you boys just out for the laughs. All three hands up on this round.

SF: Oh, that’s a subject we know something about.

WW: Bragging is very familiar to you. Alright, Senator. How about you?

SF: Well, I just want to throw this one in that bragging reminds me of a line that Hedda Hopper had that I think was very clever. She said, “A press agent is a man who hitches his braggin’ to a star.”

WW: Very good.

SF: Oh, that’s not a gag. That’s just a clever line. No, go ahead, let the boys get in on this thing.

WW: Oh, you want them to start? Well, let’s take Harry Hershfield first.

HH: There was a fellow having trouble with his wife all the time. They fought. No, they hated each other. Scrapped, and one day had an awful scrap, and he left the house, went to a saloon to get some drinks, and he got good and drunk and he got into a fight with a guy and he stabbed a guy. They had a trial, and he got life imprisonment. And after he was in prison for fifteen years, the warden came in. Says, “I got a message to give you. Your wife just died.” He said, “Hooray! Now I’m a free man! Hooray!”

RB: It was a little hard going but the laugh meter finally registered 1000, Harry.

WW: That’s really stretching them. We’ll get to a cannibal picture next.

SF: You know that makes a tipoff for me, Ward.

WW: Oh, you back in, Senator?

SF: Yeah. I can go in. Yeah.

WW: This one’s for keeps.

SF: I mean, if you let me.

WW: Yeah, come on.

SF: I’ll get in the word “bragging” somehow. Well, anyway, this draftee -- this was in the last war -- this draftee was bragging to his buddies about how rich his family was and his wonderful background and so forth and so on, when a sergeant appeared with an imposing-looking envelope, and he said, “Whoever knows all about automobiles, kindly step forward.” So the scion of the wealthy family, thinking that here might be a chance to, you know, be promoted from the ranks, he jumped up and he said, “Why, before I was drafted, I ran and operated my own Rolls-Royce, my own Lincoln, and my own Cadillac. I really understand all about motor cars.” So the sergeant said, “Fine. Report to headquarters and give the colonel’s car a good cleaning.”

WW: Senator, you’re back right where you were last week.

RB: Only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

SF: I think that things is set for me up there, you know.

WW: Think it’s framed for you? Well, that doesn’t top Mr. Jaeger’s 1000. He still holds his twenty-five, and Joe, we haven’t heard from you.

JL: Yeah, I’ve got one now, Ward. Couple of fellows meet and one fellow looks at the other one, says, “Rabinowitz!” He says, “Epstein!” Says, “I haven’t seen you in years and years and years. Tell me so what has happened to you.” So they talk and talk. He says, “You know, I married nice. I got a little baby.” He says, “A cute little doll.” He says, “She’s walking a little bit now. She’s talking a little bit: ‘Goo goo, mama, woo-woo.’” Says, “I don’t understand it so well, but my wife understands everything.” So he’s telling everything, bragging about this kid. So Epstein says, “Well, I got a little fellow, too. Montgomery.” He says, “Is he smart! Oh, is he smart! When I leave in the morning, when I get up, he says, ‘Goodbye, Papa. Don’t be long at the office. Come home early.’” He says, “And he talks so plain. So distinctly. Every word.” He says, “That’s wonderful. How old is your boy, Montgomery?” He says, “Twelve years old.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Just the age of the joke, Joe.

RB: All the boys will be back with another round of fun after a word from our sponsor.

WW: Let’s get back to the business of jokes once again now, and here’s one sent in by Mrs. Stephen L. Chapman of Morris Plains, New Jersey, and this is on the subject of “visitor.” Visitor. This gives you quite a bit of latitude.

JL: Yes.

WW: So, Pete, let’s go calling with this one.

PD: Well, a visitor knocked on the door of Fred Jones’ house, and after a little while the door opened, and there was a huge woman. Oh, a great big amazon of a woman, and this ugly face. She looked like Lena of Lower Slobbovia’s agent, this one. Oh, with this face. So she looked down at the visitor. She says, “Yes. What is it, my good man?” He said, “Excuse me, but I’m a member of the Passaic Pinochle and Pinball Athletic Club, and I was told to call on our chairman, Mr. Jones. He’s the chairman of the party we’re having Friday night and I was told to come over and see him. Is this Mr. Jones’ house?” Says, “Yes, it certainly is.” “Oh,” he says, “it is, huh? You wouldn’t be Mr. Jones or anything?” She says, “No. Of course not. I’m his mother in law.” He says, “Well, I… You know, he’s our chairman. I didn’t expect he’d be so well-upholstered. I guess you are…” He said, “Could you tell me where I could find Mr. Jones, please?” She said, “Yes. He has gone fishing.” He says, “Oh, well. I guess it would be pretty tough to find him if your son in law went fishing.” She says, “Oh, no. Not at all. You can’t miss him. Just walk down to the bridge until you find a fishpole with a worm on each end.”

WW: I think it was stuck on your hand, Pete.

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: That gives you boys a little latitude this time to top Mrs. Chapman’s joke. So let’s take a look at hands, and Joe Laurie’s is the first to appear.

JL: Well, in the war, during the first part of the war there was a barracks of a lot of rookies. Just in. Just in, and they were making a lot of noise. Oh, singing and everything. And so a second lieutenant opens the door and when they see who it is they call attention, and they all get up and salute and everything, and everybody is quiet and they all stand at attention, except one fellow. He’s whistling and laughing and hollering and yelling and he finally looks up. He says, “Stand up, you.” So the guy stands up. He says, “Wipe that smile off your face. Stop whistling.” He says, “What outfit do you belong to? What company do you belong to?” He says, “I belong to the Eagle Hand Laundry. I just called for the laundry, that’s all.”

RB: Ah, it almost made it, but only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

WW: Which tops Mrs. Chapman’s 900. However, she still holds her ten dollars this far, and Senator, I think your hand was up second.

SF: Well, that gag Joe just told reminded me of Dopey Dildock. He was a private in the last war, and an officer said to him one day, “We expect some visitors for lunch today. They’re ranking officers from another sector, and I want you to stand at the door and call the officers’ names as they come in.” And Dopey said, “Call the officers’ names as they come in?” He said, “I know a lot of names I could call them, but who’s going to keep me out of the guardhouse?”

RB: 600! 800! 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

SF: That over 950?

WW: You know, you’re over your own hurdle.

SF: It’s time somebody had the thing fixed.

JL: I had it pushed up.

WW: Mrs. Chapman…

HH: You know, you fellows for a while thought Ward was going to say, “950. What’s the joke?”

WW: Mrs. Chapman still has her ten dollars, which she’s clinging to tenaciously. Harry, how about you in this round?

HH: Yeah. A guy comes to New York for the first time. First visit to New York, and he figures he can get a big steak here. You know, the black market going on and everything. So he goes to a fellow and he said, “Listen. I’m a stranger in town. Money’s no object to me at all. I want a big steak. I’m dying for a big steak. Can you tell me where I can go where I can get one of those speakeasies for steaks?” So the guy told him and he went there and he said, “Money no object. Don’t care what you charge. Big steak.” Guy says, “You’re going to get the real thing here.” So he got a big steak and he ate it and he enjoyed it. So he went back to his hometown. Said, “Gee, New York is a great place.” Says, “I got myself a steak there. Mmm! The real thing. But something funny’s happened ever since. Every time I walk down the street and somebody says, ‘Giddyup,’ I start to run.’”

RB: That sure looks like another solid 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Well, here’s another one sent in by Mrs. George A. Skinner of Westport, Connecticut, and this is something dear to our hearts, I’m sure: actors. Actors. So, Pete, take all the ham out of this one, will you?

PD: Well, this happened in the saloon and little Paddy Mulvaney was hanging comfortably on the bar. He had been there most of the afternoon. All of a sudden, in walked a very, very famous ham actor. Oh, what a ham this guy was. People thought he had freckles. They were really cloves, believe me. Oh, such a ham this guy is. So he moves right up to Paddy, and he says, “Ah, there my esteemed and alcoholic colleague. He says, “You are looking at the most sensational actor ever to grace the American stage.” So Paddy looked up and he says, “Is that so?” He says, “Get away from me, would you?” He says, “Get out. Can I have another beer please?” The fellow said, “Wait a moment. I’ll buy the beer. I want to tell you about my most triumphal stage tour that I have just completed. Would you believe it, my dear sir, in St. Louis, I rolled the audience in the aisles?” He said, “Rolled them in the aisles? Is that so? Get away, would you please?” He says, “Ah, but wait. Let me finish.” He said, “In Chicago, I knocked them cold.” He says, “You knocked them cold in Chicago?” He says, “Yes I did. And let me tell you: in Kansas City, I brought down the house.” He says, “Is that so? You brought down the house, eh?” He said, “And that isn’t all. In Philadelphia, I bowled them over. Now, what do you think of that? I can see that you’re impressed.” He says, “Impressed? Ha-ha. Yes, I was just thinking what a wonderful house-wrecker you’d make.”

WW: Guess what, Pete.

RB: Only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

WW: You boys just have a little latitude this time to top Mrs. Skinner’s joke. Harry, I think your hand was up first.

HH: Yeah. Well, Ford, Laurie and myself got an engagement on account of this program, and we went to some place in Connecticut. I won’t give you the name of the town. And they billed us very heavily. You know, we appeared together doing a vaudeville act. So a moron came over to the box office. He said, “Ford, Laurie, and Hershfield. Are they funny?” The fellow says, “Funny? When they’re on the stage you can hear them laughing across the street.” He says, “What are they playing across the street?”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

SF: Oh.

WW: Yeah.

SF: That’s what is called fitting Laurie, Hershfield, and Ford into an old joke.

WW: He really coasted very well, though, I thought. fit in very nicely.

JL Must we go for Pittsburgh?

WW:  Let’s see. Mrs. Skinner still has her ten dollars. We haven’t heard from Senator or Joe. Joe, I guess you’re next.

JL: Yeah. This is one that Jack Barrymore told me a long time ago. It’s about himself too. He tells it about himself. He says he was in a town and he was in a very, very dramatic show. The Jest, I believe it was, and in a very important dramatic part of the show, there’s a fellow sitting in the front row started to applaud, and he broke up the scene. He kept on applauding. Well, it broke up Jack Barrymore and he was very temperamental and he got dressed quickly after the show and waited for the fellow outside. Finally he gets ahold of him. He says, “Hey.” He says, “You.” He says, “Were you sitting in the front row? You’re the man that was sitting in the front row?” He says, “Yes. I was sitting in the front row?” He says, “You know you broke up my performance? What was the idea of -- What was the idea of applauding right in the middle of my dramatic scene?” He says, “Who cared about your dramatic scene? I wasn’t even listening to you.” He says, “What do you mean you weren’t listening? What were you applauding for?” He says, “I was humming a tune to myself and I liked it so I applauded.”

WW: Well, apparently the audience did too, Joe.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Also topping Mrs. Skinner’s 950. She’s still hanging on to that ten dollars, and, Senator, we haven’t heard from you yet.

SF: Well, that gag that Joe just told reminds me of the guy who was applauding some very bad acting while the rest of the audience was hissing. So the fellow alongside him said, “How can you applaud such bad acting?” He said, “I’m not applauding the acting. I’m applauding the hissing.” That doesn’t count. I…

WW: We discount that.

SF: No, that doesn’t count. There was an actor some years ago -- there was an actor some years ago. The boys know who he is. I won’t mention his name. He is what is known as a-- what was known as a bow-stealer. He would take a bow if somebody applauded or even rustled a program. He would come out and take another bow. He liked the spotlight so much it was really his undoing. One time he went on an ocean voyage and on a dark night he fell overboard, and he was swimming pretty well until somebody put a searchlight on him and he took a bow.

WW: Well, you can take a bow on that one, Senator.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

SF: You know what astounds me is how that thing gets up over 950 for me this week.

WW: Well, it may have been an accident, but there it was, anyway.

RB: Don’t go away. We’ll have another round of jokes in a few moments.

WW: Get back to the jokes once again. Here’s one sent in by Lewis Eisenmeyer of Brooklyn, New York on the subject of something you’d better not brag about: flirt. Flirt. So, Pete, suppose you make eyes at this one.

PD: Well, this is about a very, very flirty guy by the name of Errol Feifelbaum, the Casanova of the concourse. And Errol had a very bad habit. He was always whistling at girls. He whistled at so many girls, once a month he had to have his pivot tooth tuned. So anyway, finally one girl got mad and she had him arrested. So they pull him into court, and the judge says, “Young man, this is a very serious charge. Why do you whistle at girls?” Well, before the boy could answer, a little woman jumped up at the back of the court. She said, “Just a minute! Just a minute! George Honor, your excellency, hold the horses!” So he said, “Yes, madam? What can I do for you?” She says, “What could you do for me? Drop dead! That’s what you could do for me. Just picking on this boy, this little kid. Picking on him. And for what? For making a bissel whistle? Why don’t you listen? Maybe there’s exterminating circumstances here.” Says, “Maybe the boy wants to join the navy and be a regular sort of a ship-ahoy sailor so he’s got to practice whistling a bit. You want when all the other sailors are whistling at girls, this boy shall go, ‘P- p- p- p- p-’ like he’s got cold sores or something?” Says, “Listen. He’s a good kid. He was four years in the Boy Sprouts. He won the Overseas Ribbon for hiking in bear mountains . He also got four poison ivy clusters.” She says, “Listen. It was in the Boy Sprouts he learned to whistle like a dickie bird. Now, he’s a good kid and don’t pick on him.” So the judge was kind of moved by the plea. He said, “Madam, this is most unusual.” He says, “I don’t even know who you are. Why do you paint such a fine picture of this boy?” She says, “Why do I paint a picture? Because I’m this whistler’s mother!”

RB: Well, you certainly did justice to that one, Peter. 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Making an automatic twenty-five dollars for Mr. Eisenmeyer, and putting you boys just out for laughs this time.

SF: Oh, and follow that?

WW: Oh, it’s going to be a little rugged, I’m afraid.

SF: Well, I will and get it over with.

WW: Okay, Senator. You’re the first to volunteer.

SF: This old geezer was at a party and he flirted with a blonde, and the blonde said to him, “You know, you’re a wow.” So he was very much pleased, so he ran over to a crony of his, and he said, “Can you imagine? That pretty little blonde over there said I was a wow. I’m very much pleased about it.” The other guy said, “You know what a wow means? You spell it W-O-W. She means ‘worn out wolf.’”

RB: That was really great, Senator. 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Applause from the multitude. Happy days are here again, Senator. Harry, you want to get in next?

HH: Yes. A fellow flirted with a gal, and he took her immediately out to a cafe, and then they went for canoeing, and they went to a dance hall, and finally he took her home. And just as he took her to his door, he said, “Come on. Give me a goodbye kiss, will you?” She says, “I’m very sorry. I don’t give goodbye kisses the first time I meet somebody. I don’t do those things.” So she goes in the house, closes the door. He says, “Come on out. Give me a kiss, will you please?” Says, “No, I don’t give a kiss. I wouldn’t do it.” He says, “Come on. I’m getting mad. Give me a kiss. Come out here, or I’ll take my right arm and I’ll break down the door.” She says, “A strong man all of a sudden. A minute ago he couldn’t lift my veil up to help himself.”

WW: Well, that keeps the record clean so far. 1000 all the way down the line so far, not touching Mr. Eisenhower’s 1000 to begin with. Joe, how about you?

JL: Yeah, I’ve got a real short one. Two guys standing outside on the corner, and one of them -- a dame passes. He says, “Oh, get a load of that babe. Look at that doll. Get a load of that chassis. Fwew! And get a load of those gams.” Other guy says, “Ah, those kind of dames. Ten cents a dozen.” Says, “What?” He said, “You can get those kind of dames ten cents a dozen. “ He says, “Here’s a dime. Get me a dozen, will you?”

WW: Well, that concludes the (coughs) -- pardon me -- the first perfect round of the evening, Joe, and gives me another frog. Join us next week -- the same time, the same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford

HH: Harry Hershfield.

JL: Joe Laurie Jr.

PD: Peter Donald

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: And this is your host, Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.